Surgery Decisions
If you have a choice |
Depending on your diagnosis, you may be faced with what may seem like a freedom of choice: lumpectomy or mastectomy. Sometimes, you must have a mastectomy to save your goddamn life. No ifs, ands, or buts. In which case, don't even bother reading the rest of this. In a way, you're lucky, and the decision is made for you. But it's all in how you look at it.
If you do have a choice; if your tumor or situation is small enough to "conserve the breast," you'll see this phrase a lot: It's an individual decision that only you can make. And it's true. Block out the noise and think truly what is important to you.
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What I did |
That left column? When I was first diagnosed, I answered a hearty yes to most of those questions. I figured if breasts are the home base of breast cancer, take them off of me. If I never have to shove my boob into a plastic vise ever again, thank baby Jesus, please just take them off. I don't love my breasts, I thought. I mean they're alright - they're a big B-cup on a good day. But maybe I'll go with a C. Recovery will be long, but that's okay, I can get through it, right?
I sat in the plastic surgeon's office with all the panic of the recent diagnosis still coursing through me. Of course, just take them off, I continued to think, as I stared at photos of rock-hard, strange looking breasts. It's logical. It's the most I can do. I'm young. Maybe they will look natural on me. This decision will ease my anxiety. Then I had neoadjuvant chemo (a full 15 weeks, with the fertility stuff) before I had to have surgery. This gave me time to think. And trust me, I'm the most surprised at this of everyone - I changed my mind. That ardent need to eradicate myself of the problem breast - the closer I got to the surgery date - lessened. The amputation (and that's what it is) grew more barbaric in my mind. And the more I read about the numbness, the limited range of motion, the long, painful recovery period, the foreign tissue expanders, the rock-hard-ness of reconstructed breasts, the less I was so sure. I did a complete 180 in the end. I imagined having a child one day, something I wasn't too keen on a couple years ago, but as fertility still continues to be a question mark, is more on my mind. I want to try to breast feed if I ever am blessed to have the chance. Sure, formula is fine and I have no issue with it. But personally, I wanted to have the option to use my breasts as they were intended. Speaking of how they were intended, and sorry if this is TMI - but I love the sensation of my nipples. Having that taken away will be a huge blow. After speaking very seriously with both my oncologist and surgeon, they agreed lumpectomy - especially with my tumor shrunken as it was - was a viable option. There are no guarantees either way. I could get a mastectomy - double- and it could come back in the chest wall, in the tissue remaining behind it. And how would I know, if I didn't feel it? I wouldn't be getting mammograms. Lumpectomy + radiation has the same survival outcomes as a double mastectomy. I know it is hard to make sense of, but it's the truth, and that is what I chose. It's my decision. What is still to comeNow, I'm writing all of this with my pathology still pending on what they scooped out. In 7-10 days I may be saying, "Oh shit, they need to go back in there and try to get it all." Or I could report that they told me it's way more wild in there than they thought, and then it's the mastectomy route. But that's okay. At least I tried. Because in my mind, at least I didn't go the most severe route and then change my mind about that. wishing I'd at least tried to save my natural sweater puppies. Because the more I look at 'em nowadays, the more I admire them. They're mine. They're my friends. At least, unless they turn on me again. In which case, I'll be sending them off to a "farm out west." [Update: Clean Margins, No Node Involvement. We are good to go, knock on wood.] |