Mustard Stains
  • Blog
  • About
    • My Book
    • Breast Cancer Resources >
      • Surgery Decisions
      • Taxol Side Effects | Chemotherapy
      • Helpful Products

Mostly

9/9/2016

7 Comments

 
Picture
I’m back. Mostly. Like Billy Crystal's, “He's only MOSTLY dead!” but in the reverse. Day by day, I’ve been feeling brighter. More energetic. Less doomed.

I’ve got my goddamn ducks in a row and I’m ready to go. I have some strange antibacterial soap to use the next two days, I’ve got packets and pamphlets of lumpectomy pre-op and post-op instructions, and I’ve got a folder to put it all in.

I learned today that they basically stick a clothes hanger into my boob (a wire), which will guide the surgeon to the tumor that has shrunk so much we can’t feel it anymore. I’ll be gonzo during this - likely drooling large amounts of saliva, as I’m wont to do when I pass out -  for about 1.5 hours, during all the cutting and gore.


Then, I go home and wait. It’ll take 1-2 weeks to find out if they got all the nefarious shit in there. Or as my nurse put it today, “to tell us if we can close this book on your surgery.” Please close that freaking book. Please. If not, they either go back in and try to scrape more, or it’s back to the mastectomy route.

​Then there’s still a ways to go. More chemo, for 3 whole months, and 6 weeks of radiation after that, to be exact. Fortunately, my head’s on straighter than it was when I took a dip into the dark abyss the last few weeks, and I’m ready now.

I think Labor Day weekend, and the supposed “vacation” we had, really fucked me up. It wasn’t just all the background trauma going on, it was realizing my eyebrows are flying off my face, it was realizing that this may have been one of the last summers a majority of my friends won’t have spawns cooking in their stomachs since we are “at that age.” It may have been one of the last summers I wouldn’t have felt left behind.

If I had to see one more picture of Ember and the live music and the fun everyone was having, any more “this was the most EPIC summer ever!” proclamations, I thought I’d off myself right then and there. It wasn’t FOMO, it was just MO. I was MO’ing a whole lot of stuff and it SUCKED. I knew it would suck but it SUCKS.

But for the most part, I’m over it. Because feeling pressure to still try to want to do these things? Also sucks. Just accepting that I’m not going, that I’m staying right here, thank you very much, dealing with my own disasters, seeing people on my own terms - that’s more like it. Not checking Instagram or Facebook. Instant relief. It’s simple really, but don’t we just torture ourselves?

This next couple of weeks I have off work to recover. I am going to open up that novel I wrote (which sucked, and sucked less after a couple people gave me feedback) - and I’m going to continue to improve it. Mike thinks I should submit “Mouse” somewhere. Before I was very trepidatious and meek and down on myself about these things, but seriously? Fuck it. If I publish it on Amazon and 3 people read it, I’m happy. Because three people read it!

If anyone wants to read a rough draft (it’s a thriller!) please let me know. I’m not embarrassed of it anymore! PEACE.


7 Comments
Mom
9/10/2016 12:54:35 pm

So - back to the land of the living missy - no point in being anywhere else. To infinity and beyond!!

Reply
Erin Straka
9/10/2016 01:54:31 pm

I agree with Mike about "Mouse." Excited to see you in a couple weeks!!

Reply
Lindsay Leete
9/12/2016 05:06:35 pm

The Butler sisters are open to a read!

Reply
Caitlin Butler
9/12/2016 08:20:57 pm

Yes, I am ready to read my next Nikki Leete novel!

Reply
Mary Ellen Aldrich
9/12/2016 07:20:00 pm

🍾🎉🎈Congrats on successful surgery‼️ I'm also ready for a "read"😍

Reply
Erin
9/20/2016 01:25:23 pm

Thinking of you!!! I'm always up for a good read!!

Reply
Nikki
9/21/2016 10:00:08 pm

Thank you ? Oh totes, send me your email I'll send you a link!

Reply



Leave a Reply.


    ​Author

    A writer (and teacher), I mostly come here to write about the aftermath of having cancer. And knock on wood about that "aftermath" part. That whole mess started at this post: Sweater Puppies. 

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    August 2020
    October 2019
    June 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    November 2018
    September 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    January 2014
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Blog
  • About
    • My Book
    • Breast Cancer Resources >
      • Surgery Decisions
      • Taxol Side Effects | Chemotherapy
      • Helpful Products