Numb or Chill, there's a difference
I always have the urge to write on Fridays. Especially Fridays where I woke up, took a luxurious beach bike ride in the 70 degree sun, blazed through my commute with no traffic, listening to old mix CDs from college, illegal Limewire-burned CDs with G-Unit, Kelly Clarkson, Whitney Houston, and Weezer (??? what an assortment) tracks blasting out the speakers of my brand new Jeep, a Jeep I'd envied in my friends who'd had them (RIP Jane's Eddy, Beth's Sahara)...yeah. Especially on days like today.
After starting my very small dose of Lexapro a couple months ago, an antidepressant, to help me come out of a massive funk and anxiety spiral, I've been relieved at my leveling out - at my ability to move past the gripping fears, move past the wallowing. But I've wondered if it's also been depriving me of my highs - take my book for example. I should be proud and ecstatic that it's out in the world - I mean it's not a best seller, but I wrote a book, so that's something - and I just feel pleased, at most, and relieved, that I don't have to keep tinkering with it. And speaking to my therapist I this week I told her I worried I maybe was numb to a lot more now? I'm just so goddamn chill. Is this me? Or is it the drug?
And after this morning I did feel a blissful calm swoop over me on that bike, and in the new car, and I can say with authority that no, I'm not comfortably numb, I'm just straight up chill, and thankful, and content - all the things I was striving for in my life before this whole mess, and I have to grudgingly admit, I may not have found - at least not for a while - without going through it. I can't help marveling at this new life, I can't help stopping and silently expressing my thanks at the sunshine, at the G-UNIT! At it all.
Just thought I'd share. And also this song is the freaking best and I forgot it existed until this morning.
8/13/2017 10:50:43 pm
As my beloved therapist once said to me, "it rounds out the edges. Your highs will still be your highs, but your lows won't be quite so low"
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