Mustard Stains
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Hair ties, and other non-necessities

3/13/2017

2 Comments

 

So, yeah. I bit the bullet and I’m on an absurdly low dose antidepressant. I don't plan on being on it forever, but thank God, it's working! Everyone kept telling me “it will take the edge off,” and I had no idea what that meant. Now I do. I don’t cry at the drop of the hat. And now the pit in my stomach is gone, or if it comes, it visits a for a short while. I’m still faced with flare ups of worry, but I’m able to move on. Shit. Is that what normal people do??
I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother utter the word “anxiety” so maybe it was just something I dismissed . But what tipped me over the edge was seeing how my ever-present sadness and terror was not only affecting me, but it was scaring the daylights out of my husband, who has been through enough as it is. Enough was enough.
Another update is that I’ve been going twice a week to the Livestrong program at the Y. While I’m so happy to have met a couple ladies around my age (youngest still being 10 years older, but she’s awesome), with whom I can talk frankly about everything from tears to fears, the program is a bit of a letdown in the exercise department. I think my fitness level is above what they’d expect, and being the youngest and having stayed active throughout treatment, I’m impatient with the sanctioned “10 minutes of light cardio” and then a dinky Nautilus circuit doing where we are ordered to only do 1 set. (not a fan of nautilus machines, I’m a free weight gal). But I’m glad I’m doing it. I tried something new and put myself out there and it’s therapeutic without being too preachy. Our conversations come naturally, side by side on the eliptical or the treadmill, “My new boobs look phenomenal. But they feel terrible.”

Hair is growing, and yes I'm happy, but I'm dreading what is already turning from chic pixie to sprouting weirdness, despite only 2 weeks ago getting my first hair cut (thanks again to my angel Maura).

I still look at the certain drawer in the bathroom and get sad. It has my blow dryer, hair straightener, hair ties, hair brush, clips, Bobby pins...you get the idea. All if it I had to stuff in a drawer for 11 months, and likely won't be able to use for another several months. It's still freaking sad. It's still catch my reflection and think GOD, What happened?

i wonder if that will ever go away.
2 Comments
Anonymous
3/18/2017 11:26:55 pm

I have been (silently) following your blog for a while now. I stumbled upon it while looking for Taxol side effects (specifically the hair ones!). Most people go through AC first, so your site was unique in that it offered a more similar experience to that which I was about to go through. I was also only 34 when diagnosed with IDC, so we had the younger age in common as well. I can't thank you enough for being so completely open about your experience. I am the opposite - very private. I have hesitated to comment for that reason alone (though I would be happy to send a private message if possible). However I just had to say thank you. Thank you for putting yourself out there. This disease can be so isolating and it's nice to know there are others who have similar experiences (and at roughly the same time...my last chemo infusion was the first week of February and I will continue with Herceptin until November). Thank you for being so brave to share your story in the face of all the fear that cancer can bring.

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Nikki
3/20/2017 10:02:49 pm

Hi there! So nice to hear from you and thanks for letting me know you're reading and following along. I often just write and throw things out there and never know who it will help, if at all. Sorry you also had to go through this (and still have to). Life is so weird now. And that's such an understatement. Would love if you messaged or emailed. Just to chat, plus I don't know anyone else on Herceptin. Nleetester@gmail.com. Hopefully talk soon!

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    A writer (and teacher), I mostly come here to write about the aftermath of having cancer. And knock on wood about that "aftermath" part. That whole mess started at this post: Sweater Puppies. 

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  • Blog
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    • My Book
    • Breast Cancer Resources >
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      • Taxol Side Effects | Chemotherapy
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