Clarity

We’re coming up on 2 years since finding the nefarious lump, one year on being declared cancer-free. A lot has changed for the better, one being that I feel like I’ve kind of emerged out from under this cloud or rock or boulder or whatever you want to call it and see things much more clearly. I temper past anxieties and anger with a more measured approach, now. And I know that all sounds la-dee-da and vague, so…let me try to expand on that. Expound? Expand? Both.

I digress. It's both a good thing and a bad thing to see things so clearly, mainly because one character trait I’ll never lose is my impatience. When I see something that needs changing, I’m incredibly angsty to Change it now! Life is short! This is your life and you only get one!!!! I mean the voice is relentless. That voice makes me very much aware of how I spend my days, weeks, hours and minutes, and of course being cognizant is great - but for things like my career, which can’t change in an instant even though I’d like it to…yeah, not so much.

And of course things like my hair - you should see how many bobby pins I use to trick myself into believing I can put it up into a ponytail. Still not there yet…slowly…but surely though, it’s getting longer. Can I also add I’m SO MUCH STRONGER?? All caps because that’s how diesel my legs are. Thank you Orangetheory.

I still have no friends out here in the ‘burbs, which has been strange; I know I talk about this constantly but it was hard to make friends when your face was blown up from chemo and your wigs are ever-changing and you just don’t feel like explaining your sad little plight to strangers - so even though it’s been a few months (9? 10?) since that very last treatment, I have not gotten any more open about what I went through. It’s hard enough making brand new adult friends in the ‘burbs. A) It’s hard to say “oh, well I had cancer that first 1.5 years so I lived under a rock and thats why I have no friends in this town, hi nice to meet you will you be mine now?) and B) Possibly even harder is that we are--dun dun dun...childless in the burbs. Little did I know most people have kids - or plan to very soon - when they move to the suburbs. Coming from the Cape I guess I just didn’t really think it would be so prevalent and assumed. I have an urge to start a club called “South Shore DINKs & SINKs” but I’m not sure that would fly and honestly, I am not sure there would be many people who would fall under that criteria to even join!

I’m rambling. Long story short, it’s been a hell of a 2 years, and there are still struggles and worries and feeling like I’ve landed in an odd, foreign juncture of an odd life path that I’d never expected and sure as hell never planned on navigating. But with it has born clarity—and I’m so blessed to have that clarity. I know who I love and who I will pour my energy into. I know who saps me of energy, who consistently makes me feel not so great and so I avoid them when I’m able, and brush off what I can.  And I know I have a lot more learning and living to do. And I’m incredibly thankful.

Xoxo
Mustard
PS: I updated my professional website, as I'd love to take on more freelance work. Check it out!