Numb or Chill, there's a difference
I always have the urge to write on Fridays. Especially Fridays where I woke up, took a luxurious beach bike ride in the 70 degree sun, blazed through my commute with no traffic, listening to old mix CDs from college, illegal Limewire-burned CDs with G-Unit, Kelly Clarkson, Whitney Houston, and Weezer (??? what an assortment) tracks blasting out the speakers of my brand new Jeep, a Jeep I'd envied in my friends who'd had them (RIP Jane's Eddy, Beth's Sahara)...yeah. Especially on days like today.
After starting my very small dose of Lexapro a couple months ago, an antidepressant, to help me come out of a massive funk and anxiety spiral, I've been relieved at my leveling out - at my ability to move past the gripping fears, move past the wallowing. But I've wondered if it's also been depriving me of my highs - take my book for example. I should be proud and ecstatic that it's out in the world - I mean it's not a best seller, but I wrote a book, so that's something - and I just feel pleased, at most, and relieved, that I don't have to keep tinkering with it. And speaking to my therapist I this week I told her I worried I maybe was numb to a lot more now? I'm just so goddamn chill. Is this me? Or is it the drug?
And after this morning I did feel a blissful calm swoop over me on that bike, and in the new car, and I can say with authority that no, I'm not comfortably numb, I'm just straight up chill, and thankful, and content - all the things I was striving for in my life before this whole mess, and I have to grudgingly admit, I may not have found - at least not for a while - without going through it. I can't help marveling at this new life, I can't help stopping and silently expressing my thanks at the sunshine, at the G-UNIT! At it all.
Just thought I'd share. And also this song is the freaking best and I forgot it existed until this morning.
Get that paper
First and foremost, The HOLLOW paperback is here! It will be on Amazon in 3-5 days, available for any bookstores to order in 6-8 weeks. Right now it's only available on the ghetto site of the printer, but hey, it's here! BUY IT? [Update: It's avail on Amazon]
As for what else is new, work is nuts, I tried acupuncture (I liked it) to combat a sore back and sore muscles, and also lovely - I'm gaining some weight from one of the many drugs I'm still on (lookin' at you, Tamoxifen), but it's hard to say from exactly what. Drugs are blocking estrogen all ways from Tuesday (is that a saying or is that wrong?) which from what I read effs with your metabolism. I'm working out and eating pretty well, so guess I'll just have to work out harder and eat better. Easier said than done, but I'm trying. Mental health is in check and aches would be much worse if not for YOGA. I have a lovely woman come instruct me at my home 1:1 every Saturday morning. I love her. Her name is Deb and she's awesome and I am getting more flexible and I don't go a day without doing some yoga poses/stretching/meditating otherwise my back would be in ruins and my mind in the gutter. It's a godsend.
Long story short every day I wake up, I'm thankful, I want to make the most out of my day, and that's that.