Wedding Woes

In the four months since getting engaged I've ridden a wave of unwieldy emotions. I've gone from excited and giddy and yay! to practical, a let's-not-waste-time-or-procrastinate wedding-planning-machine. I reached the oh my God this sh*t is expensive revelation to, it's fine; you have time to save. Then, resignation. Nasty thoughts cropped up: Weddings are so stupid it's one goddamn day! How do people pay for for these things? What are aisle runners? F*ck it, I don't want to think about it anymore.

The stage I'm in now: limbo. I'm setting aside money not just for my own wedding, but for the four others that come before it, two of which are destination. As for our own, we could dial it down to an intimate dinner party of 12--or straight up elope. That would be the smart thing to do, the practical thing. But as many who have walked this path before know, that would be offensive and disappointing for many family members.

And yes, I'll admit it. I want my wedding on the goddamn beach. I want to listen to music we chose with our friends and see family we haven't seen in years and listen to heartfelt speeches and I want to look pretty in my dress. I'm never the center of attention, and lately very far from it. Our parents have already gone through the whole wedding thing with our older siblings. We've all moved on to the wonder and delight of gorgeous newborn grandchildren and prized toddler nephews and we know that we will never quite get the same heightened reception when our turn comes.

But. We can have this ONE day just for us. A day of me weeping non-stop and dancing to songs Mike has sent me over the years on boring workdays - beautiful, obscure little songs. A day to honor my dad with some Van Morrison--his and my mom's favorite. A day for my brothers to give me away. A day of happiness.

So as much as I complain, and as much as I need to save, and as much as I know it's just ONE day, I can't wait.

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